bachelorette in bold

August 26th, 2017


the lady of the hour

can you feel her power?

the swell that overcomes the men in the room

as their hearts go towards her with an echoing boom

or something confused with that infatuated energy

as she tests each one of theirs and hers synergies

and she counts down

and not so subtly is surrounded

often confounded

sometimes dumbfounded

but she trusts her heart to lead the way

and the words roll off her tongue

intelligently and introspectively to convey

which man she is truly led to be with

which man she will share her life with

and which man she will set the date with

because that is why she plays the game

the daring and mostly unfulfilling game

of dating. temporarily mating

breath uneasy and anxious to be bated

hoping constantly to be satiated

to find the man of the moment

that can keep up with this lady of goddess descent

that can fill her with passion and ecstasy unimagined

logic and clear thinking abandoned

why not rush in if life is short?

let yourself be swept of your feet

and greet the world with a tune upbeat

happiness is all too hard to find

but will spread if we give to each other in kind

just a fraction of the love we find in our person

translate it and communicate it and reciprocate it

you did it, girl, you won, you earned it <3


For whatever reason, I let my roommate convince me to watch Nick’s 21st season of the Bachelor. Nick did not pick Rachel and she became the next Bachelorette. She was the first black person to be the Bachelor or Bachelorette. I think it is ridiculously sad that it took that long, but also Rachel is just so amazing and there’s no way they couldn’t have picked her. She’s probably the most intelligent person to ever be on that show. Ever. They did a lot of new things with her too, giving her space to be introspective and creative, while also putting her on the spot, and she always quite cleverly carried her own. She also understood what kind of pressure she was under, being a black woman and having the choice between a bunch of different kinds of men; what will the world think of her choice in relation to her race? But she didn’t let that concern have much, if any, power, and she made decisions based on her own intuition, and no one can discredit her for that. Of course there was some stupid drama between the boys, that may have been race based, and in a broader scope could be seen as a platform for teaching, which it seemingly turned out to be, (later on live television among discussions with the men). And there’s always the question of whether some men were actually interested in her, as is the case with televised dating and the question of being there for the right reasons. But when it came down to two, Peter and Brian, I thought what happened was really fascinating.

Peter’s a guy from Wisconsin with a nice job and nice friends and quaint family life. Brian grew up in a Columbian immigrant family with a dominant maternal presence. A lot of people gave Brian shit for being overzealous, possibly disingenuous, and Peter even made Rachel doubt herself, that maybe she was rushing into things, because he wasn’t ready to put on a ring on it. I say, fuck that, and Rachel was right in asking him why he was still there if he wasn’t ready to get married? And what’s really sad is that he basically made the same mistake he spoke about making with his last long term relationship – leaving happiness behind because of the fear to commit.

Brian’s previous relationship had problems with his mother being such a strong part of his life. Honestly, there’s so much more right about Brian’s shortcomings in that regard than what’s wrong with it that it’s silly to be upset about it. Of course, a man should put his wife above all else, but ladies, you gotta give credit where it’s due. His mom is the reason he’s the confident and extremely caring creature that he is. She taught him how to love and how to treat a woman. And Rachel, you made the right choice. You recognized that going for Peter would put you in a compromising situation, and despite the temptation to get into something that you know there might be an out of, you chose the sure thing, the scary thing, the real deal thing. Brian was ready and willing and able to love you and give you all that you need and want. Peter was not. You won, Rachel, you won. You went on that show to put yourself out there and find love and you found a man that loves you and will do anything and everything to make you happy. I hope that he is that person for you that makes every moment better just because he’s there.

Although I believe this show is silly and aimed at an audience with a relatively lower IQ level, I really enjoyed watching Rachel explore this myriad of men and emotions. She was boy crazy and just let herself be that. She deserved it, she’s smart and successful and ran that show. She let all the boys kiss her, because why not? It’s all in the kiss. She used that stage to her full advantage. She was the princess and she let those men give her all they had before she gave them anything. It was about her. And if you couldn’t make it about her, you were out. Maybe she hoped Peter could make it about her sooner than he did, but he didn’t, not in the right way. Brian knew it was all about her from day 1, and he was more focused on her and on them than any of the other guys.

I do think its interesting that Brian, being Latin American, has that passion that those more maternal cultures so often have. Latinos are sexy and swarthy and forward, they know what they want and they go after it. White boys, American and English and even German, are much more timid when it comes to expressing any of their feelings, let alone love. Ahem, Peter. We are Victorian descendants that are taught to respect the patriarchy regardless, and belittle ourselves as women and transform to what their men want, (usually thin and quiet). In Latin America, and Southern America, and many more places than not, a woman’s voice and curves are celebrated. A women is worshipped for what she is, not asked to be what she is not. Brian, through his upbringing and his culture, was primed to be ready to give Rachel what she was looking for.

Rachel and Brian may or may not last, but I have the sincerest hope and faith that they will. As much as love is an amazing and crazy feeling, its also a choice, and an action. We all play the game, just not in front of millions of viewers. But maybe we should take some tips.

I’ve noticed about myself that my most passionate times have been with foreign men, or at least, less white boy than others. My first boyfriend was black, and the passion was unbridled to this day. It was also my first love, but, I went on many innocent dates in high school until I thought I had found the right one. The one that made me feel like I was the best thing to ever happen to this earth.

I think about the other boys I’ve been with since then, and most are weak and non committal and annoyingly selfish, or just fun and silly and it’s a given that it’s temporary. When on a weekend away recently, I met a Moroccan man who swept me off my feet with his passion and romance and zest for everything that I seemed to be. The contradiction of his extreme affection verse my previous lackluster summer dalliance was all too real. And I think culture is a huge part of that. American boys, like other white boys, are taught to be successful, careful and cautious, and find a good woman they can rely on and that will take care of them. Other cultures, more romantic and maternal cultures, are taught to enjoy life, work hard, be daring, adventurous, and have more appreciation for beauty when it comes their way.

We should let ourselves think beyond what at first makes sense, look at things differently than how we were first taught, at the bigger picture, especially at how we can find happiness in our own terms.

Yes, The Bachelorette, Rachel, inspired this existential rant about love and life. And I want to learn from her. I want to put my goals and desires first, and find a man who will support me and them unequivocally. No, I do not want to go on a show where I have thirty different men vying for my attention, but I do want to realize that I am a piece to be sought after, and that I don’t have to placate myself for any man. I can be what I want to be and some man eventually will see how amazing I am and appreciate me, and if not, thats fine, because I’ll continue to have people in my life that love me. Romantic love between two people is the most thrilling kind of love, but its not the only love. Maybe Wonder Woman did save the world because she found that love, and although it upset me a bit that they made it a bit about the guy, I realize that male superheroes save the world for the women they love all the time. It’s part of the human experience to want that intense emotional, mental, physical, spiritual connection with a being significant to you specifically. But we can find those small moments more often than we let ourselves: everyday there is potential for meaningful human connection.

So, in conclusion, what I learned from this experience watching the Bachelor saga, and most importantly, from Rachel, is to be true to yourself, whether in front of millions or in front of your nearest and dearest, and despite the glamour of the televised life, navigating the game of love is hard. Realize your worth and don’t settle for anything less than the absolute best. Cultural differences abound, even on white washed American reality tv, and understand that there’s more than one truth in this world.