making sense

the notebook you gave me is my favourite one

whether its the the spirals

or the hardcover blue

or if its just that it’s from you

its hard to say

I take up the whole page with my scribblings and scrawlings

and expect the pages to end

because i’ll have used them all up

so i think

but there’s still a good amount left

so i keep writing in it

and it keeps reminding me of you

and the writing you do

in a notebook somewhere

do you write about me

do you think about me

are you on to your next lady

who will you amuse this day?

not me? unfortunately.

i was so amused by you

your high energy

and image keen to be tough

deigning to be rough, but sweet

charming most that you meet

so funny to think about the idea I have of you in my head

of that first encounter we had

and then to think of you now

now that you’ve become something to me

after knowing you more

growing fonder of you

I guess I can’t dwell

on all that wasn’t

well, fuck that and all that I musn’t

I liked you

But I went away

I had my day?

what is it about problem solving

an unsolvable problem

living in a fantasy?

escape from reality?

of the loops we’re constantly running

I was missing you for so long

I thought there would be an end to missing you

a point of seeing you

and answering the questions in my head

like could we be ? could we have been ?

or has all that could have happened

happened ?

I hope that makes sense?

makes sense of why you’ve been evasive?

you could have been more honest

straightforward, head on

instead, you kind of led me on

had me believing in

something that apparently was gone

maybe you never had these questions

maybe I left and that was that

but something must have lingered

i got used to the possibility of you and me

so much so

that i didn’t lend myself enough to the reality

of what might not be

 

I liked being wanted by you

 

you’re right

we are very similar

we both have a lot of people and things in our life

we work hard and try to do what’s right

the problem is that

I can’t read you

unlike any other book I’d like to discuss

you’re not so easy to pick up, you (cuss)

and yet, I can’t put you down

I find value in you

admire you

aspire to be like you

maybe I’m forward about wanting to get into your bed

but honestly I would more than anything like to get into your head

and turn the pages of your past

envious of the girl that was last

to hold your heart

and have a real part

in your story

your tales of adventures

and moves from city to city

Because I do find you so witty

so clever

what I’ve learned of you thus

I haven’t found better

There hasn’t been a guy that has shared my interests and attitudes so nigh

so near to what I feel

so dearly and truly you move me

and maybe its not all true

that of my reverie

that I could be a girl that transcends thoughts of others

and is a priority

despite her blunders

and wanderings

and mishappenings

someone with whom you could really share things

bare things

among other things

But am I just another audience member

of the life that is your show

because on stage you do glow

you dazzle

and entertain

the stage, your domain

 

but i know you like to let the curtain fall

and be human alone away from them all

everyone that expects wants needs something from you

even if its just your presence

and here I am completely not of that reticence

not giving you the space you seem to need

to breathe

 

of course I knew this was a possibility

I’m all too firmly not in reality

I don’t know where I’m going or if I want you to come with me

But I was curious to find out what could be

between you and me

 

were we more lovers than friends?

Isn’t that how most things end?

Is that why this must end?

tell me if it could have been something more

more than just a tally on the score board

a game I’m losing is this one

will our paths cross down the line

I wish I could rewind

But I wouldn’t do anything differently

If nothing else I enjoy how it started and ended naturally

we were just living our lives

and we

intertwined

for a brief time

if that’s all it is

it’s at least a good memory of mine