down and out in dublin

September 5th, 2016

My travels thus far and in general have been for the most part really fun, but I think I have come to a point where I have to be a little more honest. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies. The truth is, its hard to be away from home, for an extended amount of time, and to not be able to call any space your own, especially when all you really want to do is have a good cry. There can also be a lot of pressure to travel for cheap when you’re on a budget, and sometimes you find yourself in situations that wouldn’t be the case if you had just spent a little money. Travelling seems really luxurious most of the time, because for most it is vacation, and why not treat yourself? But for me, I’m not¬†on this trip for a vacation. I love my life and home and I miss working and having a routine and all my people. I’m travelling because I don’t know what to do next with my life; I wanted time for introspection, for new perspective, for inspiration. I didn’t know if this was exactly the right way to go about it, and I still don’t, but I have to tell myself it is, otherwise I’ll go crazy with guilt and regret. I have to tell myself that everything happens for a reason, even when it feels like nothing is going right. If there’s a mishap with travel plans, think quick and problem solve and deal with it.

And sometimes you’re that girl, walking rapidly down the street, waiting for the bus, riding the bus, and you’re crying a little, sometimes a lot when no one’s looking, because you missed your ride because you were being accosted by some trashy family in the park and you were trying to be nice until they seriously scared you off and then you couldn’t find wifi so then you just had to figure out a new plan. And then you cry a bit. Because Dublin wasn’t what you expected, at least not at this visit, and maybe you were just in the wrong part of town, and the place you stayed at was weird and the people were nice but really weird, and didn’t get you a full night’s sleep, and then family shit at home that you couldn’t be there for was bothering the crap out of you. Like, bothering you to the point of emotional breakdown, and you didn’t think it would affect you this much, because before it happened, maybe it wasn’t going to happen, and then it did, and there was nothing you could do. But cry a little.

And it doesn’t help that you’re a girl and its those few days a month where everything sucks a little more than it should. Thank goodness for the diva cup. Shout out to my girl, Carl.

So even though I look like I’m having a blast on social media, and its true that most of the time, I am, there’s a lot of anxiety and stress to overcome, even when you’re trying to have the time of your life figuring out your life.

So, I’m not as down and out as Orwell was in Paris or London, but I was down in Dublin, and I’ll have to give it another chance, maybe later in life. I still had a fantastic time in Ireland, and have been extremely lucky this whole trip, and feel so fortunate to be alive in this world. And on I go, because so she goes.