Are you my Mr. Big?

April 22nd, 2019

SATC IRL continues…

A commentary on my dating life thus far…

So basically I feel like I’ve eased quite nicely into a life of singlehood, where as much as I disavow the word ‘single,’ because I have so many people in my life that I am rarely solo and rarely feeling alone, I also embrace it because I am not attached to any one person or thing or idea and can and will do whatever I please.

I have a beau or two abroad that I talk to when I wish, and I go out and flirt and dance and mingle if and when I desire. It doesn’t bother me that these boys don’t get back to me immediately, I don’t sit and wonder about what they’re doing, I appreciate the time difference for the lag in response time, but also know that they and I have very different and busy lives. I attract equally busy and affable people, so I can’t always expect that they will respond when and how I want, but am always grateful when they do find time.

So, when girls now talk about the lag in response time as the most irksome thing in the world, I try to empathise, and I get it, it sucks to be ignored. But I also think about how I take my time responding, if I can’t immediately, and they in turn will understand and not be upset. It’s a common thing among international friendships because we forgive the time change and difference in our lives. Why aren’t we more forgiving with our love interests domestically? Does culture similarity make us more demanding than with those of differing norms? Sure, but can we apply these attitudes here? Is that reasonable?

If I meet a guy out at a bar and we hit it off, and he takes me number, and then doesn’t ask me out, I’m sorry but I’m left wondering, why did you ask for my number if you’re not gonna use it? I’m right here. Maybe my dealings with men abroad have made me more demanding of men here, but so be it. I hate to teach them, but they have to learn. I don’t care how soon you respond to my messages, but if you are not making an effort to see me, what’s the point? What is there to look forward to? And if you’re in the same city and can’t do that, well, fuck, catch yourself on, as the Irish in Derry say.

Fast forward. 

So, I wrote that about a year ago, not long before I met my current lover, who I’ve been seeing now for a year. He has turned out to be very responsive and communicative, and it’s the easiest, friendliest, while still being intimate, relation I’ve had with a man, maybe…. ever? It feels comfortable and interesting and completely different than anything I’ve ever known. It’s almost what I’ve always wanted… I think?

That being said, I’m honestly not sure if he’s seeing anyone else. I do doubt that he has much time for that… but, we’ve never had a conversation about whether we are exclusive or not.

We started seeing each other at the end of last winter, and he was new to Chicago, so I was my hostess-self and offered to show him around my neighbourhood. We really hit it on, he’s a scorpio, and I’m a cancer, so we’re both very go with the flow, and he followed my lead easily. He trusted the bars I suggested and we split the bills and took turns staying at each other’s places.

I admit, I heard from a few friends about how they’d seen him on Tinder, heard from another friend that her friend was banging him, felt like he may hit on my friends if he saw an opportunity, and girls forewarning me that basically, he was just trying to get his dick wet.

On our first date/hang out/whatever, I was very attracted to his proclamation of being a feminist, because, as he said, women are treated inferior by the patriarchy. We have pretty candid conversations, always, and our first one was no exception. He mentioned his feelings of reluctance towards monogamy, that he probably won’t ever marry again, and that he doesn’t want anymore children.

I appreciate your honesty, love it, but I may or may not like the truth.

After seeing each other for a few months, we were both out of town, so there was a period of a few months that we didn’t see each other. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. 

But when we were both back in town, we picked up where we left off. And it’s been great. He pays attention to the things I say, gives me a ride when I ask him for one, goes out with me when he can, we go to the theatre, I took him out for his birthday, spends the night and sleeps in after I leave.

All these things I enjoy about him.

And still in the back of my mind I’m thinking, but are you seeing other girls still….? or not? Should I be seeing other people?

I honestly don’t know.

And why is it so hard to broach the subject, when we talk openly about abortions and iuds and my extreme pms?

Are we just friends that are also conveniently lovers right now?

I do have faith that we can always be friends, I do not have faith that we will always be lovers.

And I’m totally enjoying the moment and being whatever we are.

But also… I’m like… what is this though?

It is nice because I feel like we are on a level, I understand that he is the priority in his life, and he understands that I am the priority in my life, in terms of career and life goals and such, and we as a unit are not really a priority… despite that we make time for each other now.

It’s hard not to wonder what will happen in the future. He talks about moving to LA or NYC. I talk about moving to Berlin. We talk about not wanting to leave Chicago yet…

There’s an openness and honesty about our relationship, but also some hiding, at least on my part, about what I really want from this… I think.

I think I at least want a commitment for right now…. an exclusivity cause… at least for right now. If he can’t give me that, I think I should being seeing other people, if he is?

Why is it so hard to ask him? He is a scorpio. I don’t want him to feel cornered and run away from me? I don’t want him to feel pressure, or anything negative, from our relations.

But, I also have to look out for myself?

Boys that were intermittently hitting me up a year ago, are still intermittently hitting me up… and I haven’t taken them up on anything… but I also haven’t told them to completely cease and desist…

Should I take them up on their invitations? Or with respect and deference to my main squeeze, refuse them outright?

Ignoring them sounds good for now.

Enjoying time with this man right now is what I want to focus on. I feel like he knows how much I like him. I tell him not infrequently that he’s the sexiest man alive. I truly do feel that way right now. Why sleep or see anyone else when I’m already with the sexiest man alive?

I’m sure he doesn’t think of me as the sexiest girl alive… but I also don’t know if he sees me in any kind of way in his life down the line. We don’t talk about that.

We’re living right now, in the now.

I’m not upset about that. I’m being introspective and reflective on my past experiences and on my current ones.

My friends that are a few years older than me and that were settling down when they were my age, are confused by the situation because they were looking for marriage when they were in my shoes, and if that was important to me, maybe I would be having a different conversation right now altogether. But, I’m not. I don’t care if I birth my own children, that’s not important to me, or if I even have children, although it would be nice to adopt, when I’m a more financially successful human. So, their advice to me is varied because they don’t know this world of modern dating and ethically polyamorous types that are more and more common today.

I got hit on by another guy that we worked with and after the restaurant closed, he was still hitting me up and wanting to hang out. I didn’t see a lot of fruit in following through, but on a night my lover was busy, I met up with him for a drink. We would message and he made it clear I wasn’t a priority, and it’s not that I really cared, but I wanted him to come onto me because I wanted to reject him. He was exactly like the type of guy I’d be into before I had met my lover now. I wanted to show him/myself that I didn’t need or want anything to do with fuckbois like him.

He never gave me the satisfaction of completely rejecting him because that’s exactly what makes him a fuckboi, he doesn’t get vulnerable. You have no power over them. They don’t give you any. 

Why was I seeking validation from a boy I don’t give a fuck about? Because I was too scared to talk to my man??




I told my lover that I would like to call him my boyfriend, and asked if he was fine with it. I said, I haven’t wanted to see anyone else, I don’t really know if you do, but it would be really nice for me to say that definitively. And he replied, “Yeah… I’m fine with that…” and I said, “K, cool.” 🙂

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